Like the Sea
by Mikki Larentis
Summary: Title was selected through iPod shuffle. Takes place about 1.5 years after Twilight. Jesse is alive and going out with Suze. A ghost comes and messes up the relationship between Jesse and Suze, will they be able to work through it?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note** (Please Read):

So this is my first mediator story and I'm not sure it will seem very true to the characters so I could really use some feedback to improve. This is all I have written so far, the plot I have planned is kind of cliche and loosely based on a Cold Case episode I was watching the other day. Please review, I appreciate it!

**Disclaimer:** Characters aren't mine.

Introduction

My life is changing. Tomorrow I will officially be eighteen years old, a legal adult. I'll even be graduating in a few months. And yet I am still a virgin. My extremely hot boyfriend refuses to do—well, _me_. I must sound like a complete dog; I mean what girl has trouble getting a guy to have sex with her? But most guys aren't like Jesse. He's completely considerate and overly respectful towards women. But I love him so much so I try not to press the issue. Except on special occasions.

After giving Jesse a second chance at life the mere sound of his heartbeat gives me butterflies. Hearing him tell his stories about college and the friends he has made makes me happy. I can safely say that it has been two years and I'm still as grateful that he is alive as the moment he spoke to me in the hospital. Since that moment a lot has happened.

For a year Jesse worked at the museum and resided in the apartment that was about 15 minutes away from my house. That was the year that Jesse took to get reacquainted with living. I supported him through everything from shopping at a mall to taking an airplane. Father Dom helped Jesse have an identity and information to prepare him to go to college. He even studied for the SATs with me.

Jesse is a fast learner that's for sure. He seemed to excel at anything academic. Including getting a full scholarship to the University of California Santa Cruz. When Jesse informed me he would be attending I was a little torn. It was an hour away so I wouldn't get to see him as much, but then he was working towards his dream. I remember the conversation exactly; we were standing in my kitchen after one of Andy's dinners.

_"Susannah, I have some news," Jesse started. _

_ "Um, what kind of news?" I said as I loaded a plate into the dishwasher. _

_ "I have been given a full scholarship to the University of California at Santa Cruz," Jesse broke out into a wide grin. _

_ "Jesse that's amazing!" I said, meaning it and throwing my arms around him._

_ "You're okay with it?" he asked hesitantly. _

_ "As long as you don't leave me for some intellectually superior college girl," I joked. Jesse didn't seem to appreciate my joke. _

_ "Susannah, I have told you time and time again that you are the only girl for me, I love you," he said, kissing my lips softly. _

_ "I know but sometimes I worry. As long as you promise to come back and visit me as much as possible, I think I'll be okay with the distance," I tried to change the subject. _

_ "I'll call you at least every other night," Jesse promised. _

_ "I love you," I said, pressing my lips to his. _

Chapter One

The first thought that came to mind when I woke up on the first day of the 18th year of my life wasn't anything like "it's my birthday!" or "I'm eighteen!" no it was "I get to see Jesse today!"

Don't get me wrong I'm excited about being eighteen; it's just that I haven't seen Jesse in almost three weeks now. He's been loaded with a ton of homework and has barely had any time to call. Considering the circumstances I decided to surprise him tonight. I could only hope that he would go along with my plan.

I rolled out of bed and called CeeCee to confirm our plans at the spa that day. As soon as I got off the phone with her my phone began to ring, I picked up immediately when I saw it was Jesse.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Happy birthday querida," Jesse's deep voice greeted me.

"Thank you! So when will you be here?" I asked not bothering to hide my enthusiasm at the mere thought of seeing him.

"I should be there at around noon," he said with a laugh.

"Okay good, can't wait to see you. Love you," I said, rushing to get to the spa.

"Love you querida, enjoy your day," Jesse said before hanging up.

:) :| :(

Downstairs my mom and Andy were there to greet me with a big group hug and plenty of birthday wishes. I politely escaped the affection and drove down to where I was meeting CeeCee. Later as we were getting pedicures I decided to share my plan.

"I need some advice, Cee," I said, breaking up our conversation about the celebrity on the cover of _Us Weekly_.

"Is this about Jesse?" CeeCee asked knowingly.

"Am I that predictable?" I sighed.

"No, I just can tell by that look on your face," she smirked at me, "So what's the deal?"

"I'm trying to convince Jesse that we should sleep together tonight," I responded quickly.

CeeCee, being one of my best friends, already knew I was a virgin. She also knew how desperately I didn't want to be so.

"In all fairness you're an adult now, maybe you can play that card," she offered.

"Jesse is so old fashioned. I love him but it's so frustrating sometimes," I admitted.

"Well he is a man. Seduce him," she said simply.

"He rarely ever let's me into his dorm room, or whatever hotel room he's staying in."

"It's your birthday, use it to your advantage. I know, after this let's get you the perfect outfit."

:) :| :(

And it was the perfect outfit, a cute little dress with some killer heels. I even had my hair blown out. When I got home Jesse still hadn't arrived so I changed into my swimsuit. My whole family (including Jesse) was going out to dinner tonight, so I would spend the afternoon with Jesse at the beach. It was when I was sliding on my _Havaianas _that I heard the doorbell.

I rushed down the stairs to get the door with a wide smile on my face, and there he was. Whenever I look at Jesse and know that he is _my_ boyfriend, I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet.

"Susannah," he said, breaking the silence first.

"Jesse," I said, still wearing my goofy grin.

Then he stepped into the house, pulled me into his arms and kissed me. This kiss was sweet, loving, and aware that any family member could walk in at any moment. We parted, and Jesse took my hands in his and gazed into my eyes.

"I missed you, querida," he said.

"I missed your kisses," I said sheepishly, trying to wrap my arms around his neck again.

He pecked me on the lips quickly and smoothly moved so I was beside him.

:) :| :(

Getting to Jesse's hotel room was easier than I thought. After dinner he offered to take me on a walk, my family returning home without me. When I suggested we just go to his hotel room Jesse surprisingly agreed, it probably had to due to the fact that all day we hadn't had any quality time together. And by quality time I mean we hadn't made out yet.

Once we got to his hotel room, 220, I walked around casually, placing my purse on the table in the tiny living room area. I then turned to Jesse with a look in my eyes that must have sent something off inside him.

"Come here," he said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

I didn't need to be asked twice. I launched myself into Jesse's arms; he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my lips. I went into attack mode, kissing him fiercely, running my fingers through his hair. My heart flipped in anticipation when I heard his desperate moan. I didn't notice that we were in his bedroom until I felt myself falling onto the cool sheets of the bed.

Jesse was on top of me, trailing kisses down my neck while muttering "_Susannah_" over and over again. I threw one leg over his hip and used one of my hands to begin unbuttoning his shirt. I was surprised again when he allowed me to completely remove his shirt. I nearly lost it at the sight of his abs, I know, I'm such a virgin. I ran my hands up and down his chest a few times as I felt Jesse exploring my own body. It was when I struggled with his belt buckle that the fun ended.

"Susannah, what do you think you're doing?" he asked me, breathlessly.

"Getting to the best part," I said, remaining completely obtuse.

I looked into his eyes and saw that he had regained control. I prepared myself for the apology and lecture that were sure to follow.

"Susannah…" he began.

"Ugh, Jesse I do not want to hear it! You're sorry but we cannot have sex because we aren't married, I've heard it all before you know," I said running a frustrated hand through my hair.

"I am sorry querida, for letting things get out of hand, and for getting your hopes up," Jesse said.

"I just don't understand what the big deal is. I'm eighteen, an adult, it's completely legal you know."

"That's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"Susannah, I love you. I want to marry you one day, when we're older. Until then I feel as though I have no right to take something as precious as your virginity."

"Don't I get a say? I love you and I know I won't regret it, just please, for me, forget you're from the 1800s and just make love to me," I said in an embarrassingly desperate way.

"No."

I don't know what it was, maybe because my hormones were acting up, or just his flat rejection but I was crushed. I had seriously allow myself to hope that on this evening of my eighteenth birthday the man I love with all of my heart would make love to me. I was embarrassed for making myself look stupid by begging for something that he clearly would not give me. It might have had something to do with the fact that I hadn't seen him in weeks and often worried that he would outgrow me. Maybe that's why I reacted the way I did.

"I'm sorry, I had to try," I said sheepishly, ignoring the sadness I felt inside.

"It's okay, _believe me_," Jesse said, a dark glint in his eye as he smiled at me, "but maybe I should take you home."

"Yeah, don't want anybody to think we're up to anything we're not," I said bitterly.

Jesse gave me a look and I muttered, "sorry."

:) :| :(

Jesse parked his car in front of my house and turned to me.

"Susannah, I really am sorry. I do this because I love you," he said, searching into my eyes for how I truly felt.

"You know sex is sometimes called making love," I said, still not over what happened in his hotel room.

"It really is," a voice from the backseat, said.

Jesse and I turned to see a figure glowing. Another ghost to deal with, _perfect._


	2. Chapter 2

_Characters aren't mine!_

Chapter Two

"Jeff, what are you doing here?" Jesse sighed.

"Wait, you two know each other?" I exclaimed.

"You can see me too, huh," Jeff said.

"Susannah this is Jeff, Jeff this is Susannah," Jesse said politely. Jeff smiled at me.

"So how do you two know each other?" I asked impatiently.

"Well I used to go to Jesse's school, well for one year, before transferring to USC. And now I just wander between the two," Jeff said rather calmly.

"I saw him sitting in the library about a week ago," Jesse explained to me.

"So, what's the deal with you two?" Jeff began, "He won't say 'I love you'?" he looked at Suze, raising an eyebrow; "She won't sleep with you?" he looked at Jesse sympathetically.

Jesse and I both flushed. He was getting closer to the real problem. It seemed as if he only overheard part of the conversation he interrupted.

"Or maybe it's a combination of both! She won't sleep with you until you tell her you love her," Jeff continued on without a care.

"Jeff, this was a private conversation, do you mind?" Jesse said, trying to control his anger.

"No that's not it," Jeff continued, ignoring Jesse, "Wait, he won't sleep with _you_?" Jeff asked incredulously.

The silence that filled the car was a dead giveaway. Especially when I couldn't look Jesse in the eye.

"Are you serious? Dude, she's hot." Jeff consulted Jesse.

"Jeffrey, thank you for all your insight, now if you don't mind, I'd like some alone time with my girlfriend," Jesse said coolly.

"Oh yeah sure man," Jeff smirked, "See you, Suze," he said in what sounded almost like a flirty voice.

"Susannah, I am so sorry about that, I had no idea he'd show up," Jesse said sincerely.

"It's okay, it was almost humorous," I said, "Well almost," I amended seeing the look Jesse gave me.

"And I'm sorry about tonight, I love you querida," he leaned over to kiss my goodbye.

"See you, Jesse," I said as I hopped out of the car and went home.

* * *

By the time I got past my mom and into my room I was in tears. The events of that evening suddenly came rushing back to me, fueling my tears. Why couldn't Jesse see that us having sex would not be the end of the world? I know for a fact that Jesse is the only guy I will ever want to be with, I know I will marry him one day when we're both ready. So holding out doesn't seem necessary to me. I jumped as someone came, well rather, materialized into my room.

"Jeff? What are you doing here?" I asked, drying my tears quickly.

"Came to visit a beautiful girl, if that's okay with you," he smirked at me.

"So how'd you die anyway?" I asked him.

"Crazy ex-girlfriend murdered me," he said bluntly.

"No seriously," I said.

"Jesse didn't believe it either at first, but yes she did. On the night of the big game too."

"You play…?"

"Football," he said proudly, "So what's the story with you and Jesse?"

"Um, what do you mean?" I was getting a little suspicious of his interest in my relationship.

"Well let's start with something easy, like, how did you meet?" Jeff asked.

"He was walking down this block and bumped into me," I smiled, if only Jeff knew the truth.

"And you're both mediators?" he whistled, "What are the odds, huh. But now you two have hit a rough patch. Interested in some revenge sex?" he smirked at me _again_.

"Um no thank you," I said getting up, "Actually, I have to go shower so…"

"I'll take a hint," with that he disappeared.

Okay so I was officially creeped out. That ghost seemed almost, _interested_, in me. I don't mean to sound conceited but he looked like he was serious about the revenge sex, and it freaked me out. If only Jesse knew. I resolved to ask him and Father Dom for help the next day. See how I've grown up? I'm actually asking for help now. Except I'd give Father Dom the edited story of course. I'd ask Paul, who I now sort of get along with, for help, but that'd be too awkward.

I took longer in the shower than usual, as I always did when I was upset. I was about to reach to turn off the water when a ghostly hand stopped me. My scream was cut short by his hand swiftly covering my mouth. My body somehow knew what was about to happen. I tried to defend myself, I kicked at his groin but he was too fast, too strong for me.

"Now, on to the revenge sex," Jeff said menacingly to me.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Well this chapter is short, but it really sets the story in motion. If you don't like where I'm going with this please let me know. I really need reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Not my characters. Well I guess Jeff is, but who would want him?

Chapter Three

I had never felt so violated in my life. At first, as I sat on the bathroom floor in pain I couldn't believe it. I had always thought that nothing terrible like this could happen to me. You read the stories and hear about people getting raped on the news, but never do you imagine it happening to yourself. The worst part was, I didn't know how to tell Jesse. I didn't know if I could even be around him anymore.

I gathered myself up off the floor, my body aching in all sorts of ways, and went into my room. I threw on an oversized t-shirt, and assembled weapons to keep by me in case Jeff tried to come back again. Something told me he wouldn't. The horrid look in his eyes told me that I wasn't the first person he had done this to, but he wouldn't do it to me again. I curled up on my side, crying until I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I woke with a start. I had been having a nightmare about Jeff coming back again. I hadn't been this skittish since I was trapped in the shadowland. I was burying myself under a load of guilt. My logic was, if I had never brought up the sex thing, none of this would have happened. Jesse wanted to protect my virginity, and now it was gone. What would he think of me? I had made up my mind, Jesse would never know. I knew that if he did, he might blame himself for not being there for me, or worse, he would think lowly of me for allowing this to happen to myself.

* * *

I was shaking, as I got dressed, wearing just jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt, to cover the bruises. When I got downstairs, Doc was eating a bowl of cereal.

"Morning Suze!" he said, smiling at me.

The memory of Jeff smiling at me flashed in my head, I flinched.

"Suze? Are you okay?" Doc asked me.

"Yeah I'm fine," I said a little too loudly.

"How was your birthday? You and Jesse have a good time?"

"Yes, it was fine," I said nervously, grabbing some cereal for myself.

Doc could sense that something was up. He had always been the most observant of my three stepbrothers. I felt bad for brushing him off, he really was a sweet kid, but there was no way I could tell him what was wrong with me. We ate our cereal in silence. I was grateful that my mom wasn't home; she wouldn't have left me alone until she knew exactly what was wrong. The doorbell rang and Doc went up and got it. I could hear him conversing from where I sat.

"Hey," Doc said brightly.

"Good morning David, is Susannah awake?" I recognized Jesse's voice immediately. I began to panic, how could I look him in the eye after what happened? What if he brought up Jeff? I would surely fall to pieces.

"Yeah she's just eating breakfast, come in," Doc said, "She seems upset," he tried lowering his voice but I could still hear him. He lead Jesse to where I sat, "I'll give you two some space."

I tried to smile gratefully at Doc, but it felt more like a grimace. Jesse was looking at me, taking in my appearance and facial expressions.

"Querida, what's wrong?" he asked me, concern in his voice.

"Nothing, I just um I didn't get much sleep," I said quickly.

"Querida," he mumbled as he picked up my hand and stroked it with his, "Are you upset with me?"

"No of course not," I said, hoping he wouldn't bring up last night.

"Please, tell me what's bothering you. I know something is," Jesse pleaded with me.

"It's nothing, alright?" I snapped at him. The growing guilt I felt making me upset.

"I know you're tired of hearing it, but I am sorry," Jesse sighed, frustrated with my strange behavior.

"I know, I know. It's okay. Don't you have an exam later?" I asked changing the subject.

"I wanted the chance to say goodbye in person," his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I don't want you to be late or miss it because of me," I said. He let go of my hand.

"Well I should be leaving then," he said, turning his back to me. He stopped and seemed to think. He turned back around and closed the distance between us in one step. He pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to mine.

Jesse's arms are my favorite place in the world to be. Never do I feel better than when I am in his arms. Except this time it felt wrong. Another man had touched me and he had no idea. I didn't return his kiss with as much enthusiasm as usual and I'm sure he noticed. I could feel us growing apart already and tears threatened to fall from my eyes. He broke away first, pressing his forehead to my own.

"I love you, querida," he said looking me straight in the eye.

"I love you too, Jesse," I said honestly.

"I'll be back to visit before you know it," he promised as he walked out the door.

I had barely made it into my room before I broke down into sobs.

* * *

It took four hours for me to get myself together and go see a doctor. During those four hours I attempted to come to terms with what happened. All I accomplished was the ability to admit to myself, that yes I had been raped. A ghost stole my virginity. I never hated my "gift" more than now.

I faked enthusiasm as I informed Andy that I was going out to hunt down the perfect Steve Madden combat boots. I did really want the boots a few weeks before, now I didn't really care. He believed me and I was out the door. I drove out about 45 minutes to a clinic and got myself checked out.

I gave them a fake name, Holly Addison, so this visit wouldn't somehow get traced back to me. When I came in the nurse looked at me sympathetically and laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder causing me to jump in fright. I cursed the damn ghost, as it seemed now I was scared of contact with anyone.

I couldn't fully explain what happened to me, who would believe raped by a ghost anyway? I got most of the basic details down and informed the people that I would not be pressing charges against my attacker. I mean, did I really have a choice?

Luckily Jeff hadn't done any permanent damage, and I was given pain meds for the soreness. I bolted out of there as soon as I was cleared and decided to stop at the Coffee Clutch for a quick drink and time to calm down before I faced my family at dinner. I sat and sipped my hazelnut latte and contemplated what a mess my life had become in just one day.

A ghost that occasionally haunts my boyfriend's school raped me. Speaking of that boyfriend, I can't be around him without feeling extremely guilty. I feel so lost and I don't know what will happen if Jeff comes back. All I can do is hope that he doesn't. The worst fear I had was that this would tear Jesse and I apart.

"Hey Suze," A voice broke me away from my train of thought.

"Oh, hey Paul," I said glumly.

"Why so sad, birthday girl?" he asked me.

"My birthday was yesterday, Paul," I sighed, all the fight in me seemed to have left sometime today.

"I know, I was actually on my way to your house to drop off your gift."

"You got me something?"

"It's in my car, shall we?" he offered.

I followed him out to his car. He presented me with a rather large box.

"Um, thanks," I accepted the gift.

"Don't mention it. You kept talking about it in science class so I had to get it," Paul said.

Paul and I were lab partners. Over the past two years he and I had actually become friends. Paul, Father D and I would sometimes worked on mediations together. Jesse didn't fully trust Paul but at least now they were civil. Plus Jesse didn't mind too much that Paul was my friend.

"Any new ghosts around, giving you trouble?" Paul smiled at me.

"No!" I shouted, thinking of Jeff.

"Are you okay Suze? You seem a little jumpy," Paul observed.

"Too much caffeine. Thanks for the gift, got to go!" I said walking quickly to the car and going home.

I opened Paul's gift at a red light. It was the Steve Madden boots I'd mentioned earlier that day. At least I'd come home with what I'd left for. It was sweet of Paul to buy me the boots after I talked to him about it in science, and I felt bad for running away from him just then. I knew I had to end this strange behavior.

At dinner I ate my food silently, afraid if I talked I might have some sort of breakdown alerting everyone of a serious problem with me. As usual Dopey and Doc were arguing. Normally it amused me to see Doc make a fool out of his older brother, but not tonight. My mom noticed my silence and watched me carefully throughout dinner. And of course it was my turn to wash the dishes so I couldn't just escape to my room.

"Susie is everything alright? You and Jesse didn't get into a fight, did you?" My mom asked me as I washed the dishes.

"No mom," my voice wavered.

"You did, didn't you?" she persisted.

"No, I just miss him that's all."

"Oh Susie," my mom took me into her arms.

And I wasn't lying. I did miss Jesse. I wish he were here, holding me in his arms, calling me "querida" making me forget all about Jeff and what he did. Protecting me from any harm. It had been hours since I had seen him but damn it I missed him. So I hugged my mom tighter, thanking her for being there for me.

* * *

Author's Note: Third chapter! Any thoughts? REVIEW :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Characters ain't really mine._

Chapter Four

"Susannah," Jesse breathed into the phone.

I hadn't heard his voice in three days now, and to hear it calmed me down immediately.

"Jesse," I said in relief.

"How was your day?" he asked me.

"Rather uneventful," I said. It was the truth. I had gone to school, focused so hard on acting normal that I turned out acting weird. Mainly keeping to myself, doing my schoolwork.

"How about you? How do you think you did on that exam?" I asked him.

"I think I did okay, not my best work. I've been worried about you, querida," he said.

I felt even more guilt. Now my actions were leading him to mess up in school.

"I'm fine Jesse, really. I just, I really miss you," I admitted finally.

"I miss you too, Susannah. More than you know," Jesse said, "I'm just always so swamped with schoolwork."

"It's okay. I know you have to go to school, I don't want to take away from your dream, Jesse," I attempted to lose the needy girlfriend voice.

"But know that if you are having trouble, I am here, querida. I love you, I want to be there for you," he assured me.

So Jesse knew something serious was up. I shouldn't be surprised, he knows me better than anyone. He probably knew that I didn't want to be a bother to him, to fill him with the negative emotions I was feeling now. That should have been my hint to just tell him everything. But I didn't want this conversation to happen, especially not over the phone.

"I love you too. Everything is fine here; just senior year is stressing me out. I need to relax. I'll go to the beach with CeeCee and get my head together. I'm sorry I worried you," I seemed to be apologizing a lot lately.

Jesse seemed to get the hint that I wouldn't say much more on the subject so we chatted about his courses and my day at school. When we finally hung up I threw myself face forward onto the pillow and stayed that way for a while. Why had my life become such a mess? And could I really do anything to fix it?

* * *

I glanced over to my window seat, remembering when Jesse was close by. I screamed when I saw a figure glowing.

"Suze what's wrong?" Doc burst into my room.

"I stubbed my toe, it caught me off guard," I said glaring at the ghost I had mistaken for Jeff.

"Oh, be careful next time alright?" Doc scolded me.

"Sure thing," I said dismissing him from my room, I heard him shout, "everything is fine!" as he walked out the door.

"Who are you?" I asked rather rudely to the ghost.

She was average height, looked to be about 17 years old. I still resented the fact I got all scared for nothing.

"My name is Carmen, and I need your help," she said simply.

"What do you need help with?" I asked feigning patience.

In all honesty I was in no shape to be mediating. Being around any ghost while under all of this stress caused by a ghost, wasn't one of my brightest ideas.

"I need you to tell my boyfriend that it's okay for him to date again," she said.

"Alright," her answer surprised me, "who is your boyfriend?"

"His name is Luke McDermott," and she proceeded to give me the information to find him. I was extremely grateful that she didn't just send me on some wild goose chase like many ghosts enjoyed doing.

One thing that changed about me over the years was that I knew when to ask for help. Not that I did often, but when I was really desperate for some support I knew how to ask. I didn't want to go out and do this mediation alone, so I called Paul.

"Suze?" he said sounding surprised.

"Yeah Paul, I need some help," I decided to just get straight to it.

"I am shocked to hear it, what's up?" he asked.

"I have just been paid a visit by this young lady named Carmen. She wants me to deliver a message to her boyfriend. Help me out?" I asked.

"Sure thing, tomorrow after school?" he offered.

"Sounds like a plan," I then said goodbye and hung up.

* * *

"So, Suze, how are things with Jesse?" CeeCee asked me.

I groaned. I had been avoiding this question for the longest time it felt like. It was lunch and CeeCee and I were enjoying the sun outside. CeeCee had no idea what happened between Jesse and I on my birthday. She sensed something was wrong with me for the past few days and wasn't going to question to me. I saw now that her curiosity was getting the best out of her.

"The same as usual," I said, translation, no he didn't sleep with me. I prayed she wouldn't ask more.

"So when is the next time he'll be visiting?" she inquired.

"I don't know," I really didn't know, "So are you nervous for next year?" I changed the subject.

CeeCee then went into detail about the schools she'd applied to and the pros and cons of each. I had applied to a couple different schools, keeping in mind that I didn't want to be too far from Jesse.

* * *

The McDermotts lived in a little town about 20 minutes from Santa Cruz. The car ride with Paul was silent. Not an awkward silence, but a mutual silence. I attempted to read my novel for my English class but I couldn't focus. Paul was a pretty good driver and the traffic wasn't bad so we got to the place in about 35 minutes.

"Okay so how are we going to do this?" Paul asked me, "Do we both go in?"

"Yeah that seems like the best plan," I said, putting my book in the storage compartment on the passenger side.

"So what's the girl's name? The one that died,"

"Carmen," I answered.

Paul rang the doorbell and we waited patiently for somebody to answer. I hoped that Luke was home, preferably home alone so we could just get this over with.

"Hello," a man answered the door.

"Luke?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, who are you?" he eyed Paul and I suspiciously.

"Look buddy, what we're about to tell you, you're going to think we're crazy. Think you can handle it?" Paul said bluntly.

"It's not like my life could get much worse," Luke sighed.

"Well my friend and I here, we get a lot of visitors in our line of work," Paul began.

"And one that I got recently was your girlfriend, Carmen right?" I spoke.

"Ca-Carmen? But she's dead," Luke's face looked pained.

" Yes, but she's stuck in this world still, she asked me a favor," I spoke slowly.

"What was it?" Luke seemed to believe everything, which made my life so much easier.

"She wants you to move on, Luke," Paul said gently. It was still weird to see him being nice sometimes.

"How can I? I miss her so much. I loved her so much," Luke whispered.

"It's what she wants," I said.

"This is just great. First a drunk driver kills my girlfriend. Then some chick murders my cousin, and now you two show up at my front door. It's a lot to handle you know?" Luke sounded strained.

"Your cousin was murdered?" Paul asked.

"Yeah, I don't know if you heard about it, Jeff McDermott. He was about to go on trial for raping a bunch of girls at his college then one of them went psycho and shot him. My whole family was real upset, they thought he was innocent. Real charmer, Jeff was. But he told me what he did—he bragged about it. What a waste of space he was," Luke ranted, "I'm sorry, I'm just really stressed."

"Your cousin's name is Jeff?" I asked in what came out as an embarrassingly squeaky voice.

"Yup. Tall, blond, muscular, with a football player's build. He was at UCLA," Luke offered.

I froze. Jeff. The one who had raped me. I needed to get out of there and quick.

"Well Luke, I'm sorry for your loss. Carmen also wanted to tell you that she loves you very much, and just wants you to be happy," I said, trying to initiate my escape.

"If you see her again, tell her I love her too, please," Luke looked sad again at the mention of his girlfriend.

"I'll be sure to do that, it was nice to meet you, Luke," I began to walk to Paul's car.

I could feel his eyes on me. Paul wasn't an idiot. He must have seen my face when the topic of Jeff came into the conversation. He unlocked the car and we both got in. The ride was silent at first.

"Okay so what the hell was that?" he asked me.

**Author's Note:** REVIEW! PLEASE?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"What do you mean?" I asked trying to sound oblivious.

"You looked like you were about to pass out or something," Paul observed.

"Did I? Huh, that's weird," I tried to play it off.

"I don't think it's a coincidence. It was almost like you knew his cousin," Paul insisted.

"Well I don't. I just, well I felt bad for those girls okay. I couldn't imagine what they had to go through," I said.

"I know, the guy sounds like a real creep. I wonder if he's still hanging around, I don't know what'd I'd do if he asked for my help," Paul admitted.

"Let's just hope he's gone," I concluded. That was the end of that conversation.

* * *

Paul dropped me off at home literally two minutes before dinner started. I managed to have enough time to run to the bathroom, splash some water on my face, and make it down to the dinner table with a calm expression on my face. I was so grateful that Jeff hadn't decided to pay his cousin a visit while Paul and I were there. That would have been a disaster.

Later that night Carmen came by my room. I was sort of expecting this so I wasn't as on edge as the last time I saw her.

"Thank you," she said to me.

"No problem, oh and Luke wanted me to tell you that he loves you," I said in a rush.

"You did what I asked, so now it's time for me to leave," she disappeared.

I knew that was the last time that I would ever see her.

* * *

Friday after school I was sulking in my room, wearing my rattiest jeans and a tank top. Yes those jeans still fit, but just barely. For some reason I was home alone. With so many people in my house this was rare. So when the doorbell rang I had to be the one to go get it. I peeked through the peephole to see who it was to determine whether or not I would pretend not to have heard it. I swung the door open when I saw Jesse looking nervous.

"Jesse?" I asked surprised.

"Querida," he pulled me in to hug him, somehow managing to step inside and close the door behind you. "I've missed you," he breathed into my hair.

"What are you doing here?" I smiled up at him. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of him.

"I have something to tell you, and I wanted to it to be in person," Jesse said, sounding very serious.

"Okay so spill," I said, sitting down on the stairs. Jesse sat next to me.

"You have to promise not to interrupt," Jesse said.

"Sure, so tell me," I insisted.

"So there's this girl in one of my classes. Her name is Rose," he began looking anxiously at me.

Girl? Girl? I began to panic. Why did Jesse want to talk to me about some girl in his class?

"We had to work together on an assignment, so naturally I had to spend some time alone with her," he continued avoiding my eyes.

My heart was breaking a little already. Was this really happening to me?

"And she was into me, as my roommate would say. She kissed me. I didn't kiss her back or anything. I'm so sorry Susannah. I did nothing to lead her on, I promise," Jesse concluded slowly eyeing me carefully.

I let out a sigh of relief. This news wasn't at all good don't get me wrong. But it was a lot better than what I thought. I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek, stroking his face slowly once.

"I trust you, Jesse. I'm glad you told me. It's nothing right? She won't bother you again?" I said honestly.

"No, I think she is rather embarrassed to be around me," Jesse said.

"Good, so I don't have to beat anybody up," I attempted to make a joke. Jesse laughed which made me smile a little.

"No querida you won't. I had to tell you though. I thought you should know. I didn't know how you'd react, but I know if the situation was reversed I'd want you to come to me," Jesse admitted.

I felt guilty. Again. This seemed to be all I felt lately. Here Jesse was, making this big confession to me, of something he could have easily kept hidden. Why couldn't I find the courage to tell him about Jeff?

"Actually Jesse there's something I need to tell you," I said.

"What is it, Susannah?" he said, holding my hand in his.

"It's nothing really. I just well, Paul and I went to help this ghost together alone. That's all. I know you don't fully trust him so I thought you should know. Nothing happened of course, but yeah that's all," I chickened out.

Jesse looked surprised but I could tell by his eyes that he wasn't upset.

"That's fine querida, I prefer for you not to go off alone. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you," Jesse tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. I looked down, if only he knew, I thought.

"So how long will you be in Carmel?" I asked him.

"Didn't I tell you? I have this week off," he said.

"I thought you were going to use that week to study," I said.

"I can study here," he said and he lowered his lips to mine.

Every time Jesse kisses me I feel amazing, but something still felt wrong. I knew it was from the big secret I was keeping from him. I couldn't figure out how to tell him. How do you tell your boyfriend that you were raped?

Jesse broke away first. Breathing heavily still running his fingers through my hair.

"We'd better stop before somebody walks in," he finally said.

"Good idea," I pecked him on the lips and stood up, Jesse doing the same.

My mom and Andy walked in at that moment.

"Jesse! I didn't know you'd be here! Are you staying for dinner?" Andy asked enthusiastically.

"I'd love to," Jesse smiled at Andy.

"It's great to see you, Jesse," my mom said, smiling at me. Andy and my mom walked past bringing in their bags of groceries.

* * *

Over dinner my family spoke to Jesse about his college experience. It turns out that he doesn't like his school as much as he used to. I felt like a terrible girlfriend for not even knowing this. I had been so wrapped up in my own drama that I was missing a crucial part of Jesse's life.

Then the conversation turned to the colleges I'd applied to. There were about six colleges I was waiting to hear back from, some very far from home. One was in my hometown, NYC, one in Illinois, one in Michigan, and the rest in California. Jesse looked rather happy to see I was applying to colleges in the Midwest, but I tried not to read too much into it.

I went to bed that night feeling safer since I knew that Jesse was only like three miles away.

* * *

**PAUL'S POV**

I've been visited by ghosts plenty of times but man was this guy arrogant. I hadn't even gotten his name yet and he was already irking me. He was sitting on my couch as if he owned the place, asking if I knew any other mediators, apparently I couldn't help him. I don't know how he came to that conclusion I had barely got a word in.

"What did you say your name was?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Review please! The switch to Paul's POV isn't permanent no worries! I hope to update by Sunday. So yeah, please review. Thanks for reading!

"Jeff," he said, "Jeff McDermott."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **Not my characters etccc

Chapter Six

**PAUL'S POV**

So this was the bastard that Luke told Suze and I about. He really was dead. I decided not to let on that I knew of him, see what he'd tell me on his own.

"Well hello, Jeff. Let's cut to the chase, how'd you die?" I asked him.

"Some psycho chick murdered me," he said calmly.

"Why'd she murder you?" I asked.

"Did you not hear me? She was psycho," Jeff said with a laugh.

"You seem to be handling death pretty well," I observed.

"Yeah, it was hard at first but then I've been finding you mediator people to talk to, it's not all that bad," Jeff admitted.

"You've met other mediators? Like who?" Now I was genuinely curious.

"Some uptight Mexican dude. Jesse! That was his name," Jeff began.

"You met Jesse? And he's not Mexican," I pointed out.

"You know Jesse? And I could have sworn I heard him speak Spanish, whatever," Jeff said.

"Yes, Jesse and I know each other," I said. I wouldn't go as far as to call him my friend. I knew the guy still didn't trust me.

"And then this hot girl, Suze," Jeff continued.

"You met Suze too? You sure do get around," I was surprised, Suze didn't mention meeting Jeff.

"Yeah, I nailed her," Jeff said with a disgusting smirk.

My first thoughts were literally, what the fuck. Did he honestly have sex with Suze? That explains her reaction to Luke talking about Jeff. And why she never mentioned it. Something told me that it wasn't consensual.

"Excuse me?" I regained some of my composure.

"Oh I knew she wanted it. Even if she wouldn't admit it. She and Jesse got into an argument because he wouldn't sleep with her, so I decided to help her out," Jeff said simply.

I know I have done some pretty bad things in my day, but was this guy serious? He was murdered by some girl he raped, and then spends his time as a ghost raping mediators? I had no idea what happens to people when they die, but I knew for this guy it wouldn't be good. Now I was pissed. Suze is my friend I care about her.

"Something tells me she didn't want it. Does Jesse know? Because I know that guy has a temper," I said coolly to Jeff.

"Jealous much? And do why would her boyfriend know, are you dense?" Jeff asked.

So I was sick of this guy. He here was lounging on my furniture calmly bragging about how he raped one of my friends. I wasn't sure that he knew Suze was my friend but still, it was infuriating.

"I am not jealous. Just disgusted. I don't think you need my help, so if you could please leave," I said attempting to keep my cool.

"You know what, I think I might go pay Suze another visit," Jeff said menacingly.

"What the hell is your problem? What did she ever do to you?" I asked him.

"Do you see any other female mediators around here?" Jeff asked seriously.

"So it's all about the sex for you, huh? I know what you did when you were alive, Luke told me," I looked him in the eye.

"You spoke to Luke?" Jeff looked distant.

"Yes, he told me about all the girls at your college. How can you live with yourself when you take advantage of people like that, huh, Jeff?" I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him off his ass.

"Those girls were asking for it," Jeff said.

I could no longer contain my anger; I punched Jeff in the face. He looked shocked, and I was glad.

"And Suze? All she would have done was help you move on. Did she deserve it, Jeff?" I asked him. I know knew the source of Suze's strange behavior. Why she was jumpier than usual. Why she sought out my help to go find Luke. It just wasn't fair.

I didn't even wait for his answer. I punched him again. And again. Until he screamed stop.

"Why should I? Did you stop when those girls asked you to?" I interrogated him.

"You can't keep me here forever," Jeff said logically, "I can escape." He had the nerve to smile.

I know I could lose brain cells or whatever. But this ghost was dangerous. I grabbed him by his neck and shifted. I was getting rid of that bastard once and for all.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Pathetically short I know. Next update will be longer I promise. Haha I was writing this as I watched the Princess Diaries movie on tv. Weird right? So please review. Tell me how you think I wrote Paul. I thought I did a decent job, if it was terrible please tell me. Thanks!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

**Paul's pov**

I had a major headache, but it was worth it. I still couldn't believe it. Suze was raped? It just didn't make any sense. That piece of trash, Jeff was gone for good now. I had made sure of it. I felt as though I should let Suze know that I got rid of him. I decided that I would visit her Saturday.

* * *

**Suze's POV**

I woke up from a rather peaceful sleep to the sound of Eminem's voice. I swear every time Dopey is feeling angry he blasts the angriest rap music he can find. It seems as though he is having a bad day, first thing in the morning. I smiled and forgot all about my rude awakening when I remembered that Jesse was staying in Carmel for a week. With Jesse around it felt easier to breathe again. I was automatically calmer, I felt safer, and it made me love Jesse just a little bit more.

I went downstairs and found that Andy had made crepes. I loved Andy's crepes they were especially delicious. It seemed as though it was turning out to be a good day, and with the way my life had been lately I welcomed it with open arms.

After I ate and washed my dishes I changed into a simple, comfortable dress I had and settled down to do some of my homework. For some reason I just felt really relaxed. I got in about two hours of studying before there was a knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in!" I called, assuming it was Doc.

"Hey Suze, we need to talk," Paul Slater was standing before me looking at me strangely.

"How'd you get in my house?" I asked.

"Your little brother let me in," Paul said, nervously.

This was weird. Paul was never nervous. What did he have to talk to me about? What was so important he couldn't just call? My mind began to think of the possibilities.

"Remember when we went to see that guy, Luke?" Paul began.

"Yeah," I replied, still trying to figure out why he was there.

"And remember he told us about his cousin?" Paul continued carefully.

My face fell. Uh oh, this could not be good.

"Um yeah," I began to panic.

"Well he paid me a visit, Jeff did I mean. He told me something really terrible actually," Paul looked me in the eye.

With that one look I knew he knew. So Jeff was now bragging about it. If he told Paul does that mean he told Jesse? Was he telling Jesse right this minute? I panicked some more.

"And what did he tell you?" I practically whispered.

"Suze, I'm so sorry," Paul looked at me sadly.

We didn't have to say it. He knew. I knew that he knew. He knew that I knew that he knew. If that makes sense. There were no words for a minute. I don't know what came over me but I started to cry, in front of Paul Slater.

"Suze, he's gone. I got rid of him, he won't bother you again," Paul said, not knowing quite what to do about my tears.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"Well after he told me, I was mad. I threw a couple of punches. I beat that bastard up real well. Then he threatened to hurt you again. And so I grabbed him and shifted," Paul said.

"But you know that shifting could kill you! Why would you do it?" I was angry that he put himself in danger.

"I didn't want him bothering you or anyone else," Paul said with a shrug.

"Thank you," I choked out over my tears.

"Suze, I know it's none of my business, but you have to tell Jesse," Paul said seriously.

"But how? How do I tell him that? What if he blames himself or worse?" I asked him.

"I don't know what to say to that. But he should know. I know Jesse and I don't exactly have the best history, but if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want you to keep this from me."

I stared out of the window. My tears were finally beginning to slow down. So now Jeff was gone for good. I felt so grateful that Paul took care of him. It felt as though a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But then my mind would go to Jesse. I knew Paul was right he deserved to know. He loves me for Christ's sake! I didn't know why I was being so difficult.

"You're right," I finally admitted to Paul.

"If there's anything I can do to help I will. Do you need anything?" Paul asked me.

"No I think I'm good. Thank you," I was glad Paul and I were able to put our past behind us and be friends. This proved to me that he was a true friend, and not to be taken for granted.

"God I have no clue what you're going through right now Suze, I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you," Paul looked distressed.

"It was really hard at first—it still is, but um I've been managing. It happened on my birthday," I said quietly.

"Damn," was all Paul said.

"Yeah, I'm just really relieved that Jeff is gone. I can't thank you enough for that," I said glancing up at Paul.

"No problem," he said.

It was beginning to feel a little crowded in my room. Nothing against Paul, but I needed time alone to fully come to grips with what he told me. I asked him if he could grab me a glass of water from downstairs. He agreed and left the room.

I stretched out on my bed and really thought about what he told me. So Jeff was gone, for good. I felt a strong sense of relief. He couldn't bother me; ever again, it really sunk in. A small smile crossed my face. Then I thought of Jesse.

Jesse, the one true love of my life. I couldn't imagine what this would do to him, especially if he found out Paul knew before him. And I kept coming back to the fact that there was a possibility that he would blame himself. I met Jeff through him, Jeff heard our almost fight in the car. I didn't blame Jesse, but I sure as hell didn't want him blaming himself.

To be honest I was embarrassed about what happened. Since Paul didn't find out from me I never had to say it out loud, admit it to somebody who knows me. When I told Jesse I would have to say it, and that frightened me. I'd have to think of a good way to phrase it.

Honestly all I wanted right now was Jesse. As nice and comforting as Paul was being it just wasn't enough. I wanted my boyfriend to wrap his arms around me and tell me it was all right. I knew it must sound a bit selfish, but that's what I wanted. Paul then returned carrying a large glass of water. He'd even put ice, a lemon wedge and a straw. He gave it to me and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"So you okay?" he asked, handing me the water.

I took a sip, "Yeah, I think I'm going to tell Jesse today," I said.

"You're going to call him?" Paul asked.

"No, he's in Carmel actually so I'll be able to tell him in person, I think it'll be easier that way, but I honestly have no clue," I admitted.

"At least he didn't have to find out like I did," Paul pointed out.

"Oh yes, that's a relief. When you told me, at first I was worried Jeff was off telling Jesse next, but then you told me he's gone," I said.

"Yeah," Paul said.

We sat in silence for a while. I sipped the water silently. I knew that Paul was worried and didn't want to leave me alone. It was sweet really. It was too bad Paul didn't have a girlfriend. He had really matured over the years, and whoever dated him would be a very lucky girl.

"Thanks for everything," I thanked Paul again, breaking the silence.

"It's no biggie. You're my friend, I wanted to help you out, you know?" Paul seemed to be calmer now that everything was said.

"Yeah, well it means a lot to me," I managed a smile.

"Well I should take off," Paul stood up.

"Okay, and don't worry, I'll be sure to tell Jesse," I said, sounding nervous at the mere thought of it.

Just then the door to my bedroom opened again. David was there leading Jesse in. Jesse took in my appearance, the red puffy eyes that gave away that I was crying. The slightly distraught look in my eye. He then looked at Paul who just looked like he wanted out of the room.

"You'll tell Jesse what exactly?" Jesse said, raising an eyebrow.

* * *

Author's Note: Review? I know it was too short. Next will be longer! But I need more reviews.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"Paul, David, could you give Jesse and I some privacy?" I requested.

Neither one of them needed to be asked twice. They bolted out of there quickly, Paul shouting a quick goodbye over his shoulder, David closing the door behind him. So now it was just Jesse and I. I couldn't avoid the truth now. I had stood up when I saw Jesse. Now I grabbed his hand and lead him to the window seat. I sat down, and he followed.

"Jesse, there's something I need to tell you," I looked at our intertwined fingers.

"Yes, I figured," Jesse sounded upset. Great, I hadn't even told him and he was already mad.

"Can you promise me something?" I asked him.

"That depends," Jesse said.

"Please don't be angry with me," I begged. I knew it was a lot to ask, I knew I was being crazy, but I couldn't bear it if Jesse was upset with me over this.

"I could never be angry with you, Susannah," Jesse said softly.

"Yes you could," I said sadly.

"Fine, then I could never _stay_ angry with you," he amended.

I couldn't argue with that. It may not be the promise I was looking for, but it was close enough. Plus I knew at this point there was no getting out of this conversation.

"You remember what happened on my birthday? Between us?" I asked him.

"I thought you weren't upset about that anymore," Jesse looked confused.

"I'm not," I said truthfully. I didn't even care about that anymore, Jesse not having sex with me became the least of my worries a while ago.

"Then what is it, querida?" Jesse seemed to have calmed down a little.

"Well there's no easy way to say this," I stalled.

"Querida," Jesse sighed.

"Remember in the car, when that ghost showed up?" I continued, gaining some courage.

"Jeff? What does he have to do with this?" Jesse looked worried.

"Well he visited me that night. He seemed nice at first, we chatted about nothing in particular, I was going to try to help him, and you know, mediator stuff. Then he started being creepy, asking about my relationship with you, offering revenge sex," I blurted out quickly. I peeked up at Jesse, his face full of worry. I could tell by his expression that he wasn't going to interrupt.

"Obviously I wasn't going for that so I asked him to leave and he did and I thought that he would leave me alone. I was wrong. I went to take a shower, and well when I got out he was there in the bathroom," I closed my eyes. This was it.

"Susannah, please tell me he did not," Jesse asked desperately.

"He forced himself on me, Jesse. Jeff raped me," I broke down into sobs.

So many emotions were crossing Jesse's face that it was hard to keep up. I saw anger, worry, disgust, fear, guilt, and finally love when he took me into his arms. He rubbed my back and tried to wipe my tears but they were flowing so freely it was hard to. I saw Jesse think about what I said, and I heard him curse in Spanish.

"I'll kill him," Jesse said, assuming he meant it figuratively, "How badly did he hurt you?" Jesse demanded.

"I'm fine now, I went to the doctor, they say there's no permanent damage," I tried to assure him through my tears, but Jesse wasn't buying it.

"Querida please, if you are hurting don't downplay it, I need to know," Jesse said sounding slightly deranged.

"It was hard at first, but I've been getting better," I told him, my voice cracking from the crying.

"Slater's been helping you?" Jesse couldn't hide the hurt in his voice.

"It wasn't like that Jesse," I said, sniffling.

"Then what was it like?" he wanted to know.

"I didn't say anything to Paul. Jeff did, he apparently went and bragged about it yesterday," I told Jesse.

"And where is this Jeff? He hasn't come back and tried to hurt you again?" Jesse asked.

"No, Paul got rid of him. For good," I informed him.

"Good," Jesse looked relieved and a little disappointed. I guess he wanted the opportunity to beat him senseless. I didn't blame him. If I weren't so terrified of Jeff, I'd probably want to beat him up too.

We sat there in silence for a while. My tears turned silent and rolled down my cheeks with a mind of their own. Jesse clutched me to his chest as if he feared that I would disappear any minute. He kissed my hair, gazed into my eyes, did everything to make me feel loved.

I knew there were a lot of unanswered questions between us. Jesse was visibly upset but was trying to comfort me. I knew that he needed more of an explanation. In all fairness I had kept this huge secret from him.

"Why didn't you come to me?" Jesse finally wanted to know.

"I don't know," I whispered.

He gazed into my eyes, agony filled his own. He couldn't read my expression and I could tell it scared him. His fear soon turned to anger.

"Do you not trust me, Susannah?" he asked quietly.

"No! Of course I trust you!" I almost shouted.

"It doesn't seem so," he said sadly. "Susannah, I came to you. When Rose kissed me I didn't even think twice, I drove all the way here to let you know, because I knew you needed to. I know it's nowhere near what Jeff did to you, but did you not think I needed to know? That I deserved to know? Did you think I wouldn't care?" Jesse said.

"I don't know," I whispered again. I couldn't deal with this. I just wanted us to go back to the way we were before all of this happened.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Jesse asked.

"Yes, did you not hear me tell Paul I was going to tell you?" I asked him.

"But would you really have? Please just answer this question for me, Susannah," he said sounding scarily composed.

"I—I think so," I said honestly hanging my head.

Jesse looked very distant. I clutched him tighter, fearing that he would leave. I looked into his eyes and felt terrible for what I saw there. Gone was the anger. Now his eyes were filled with hurt. It looked as though somebody had just punched him in the face, and to know that I had put that expression on his face.

"Jesse, please," I began, not quite knowing what I was going to say.

I felt his arms become looser. He slowly released his grip on me and rose to his feet. He took a deep breath and looked at me.

"Susannah, I need some air. I'm going to go for a walk," he headed towards the door, "I love you," was all he said before he walked out.

What had I done?

* * *

**Author's Note: ** Yay or nay? Review por favor. Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

I didn't leave my room after that. It took hours for me to finally stop crying. I wanted to be with Jesse, to explain that I did trust him. When he was asking me I froze up but I knew now what I should have said. I decided that there was no point in sitting around and crying so I got back to work on my homework and tried not to wonder where Jesse was.

Jesse's POV

I went to the beach, to the spot where Susannah and I went all the time. I was going through shock. My Susannah, was hurt. By a ghost that only came around her because of me. But then she waited to tell me. I didn't know what to think, what to do, how to fix anything.

I knew that I wanted to bash that Jeff bastard's face in. I wanted to kill him, to watch him die by my hand. I knew that this could never happen. For starters he was a ghost when I met him. And he was now gone thanks to Paul.

That also bothered me. _Slater_ had to know before me? I realize he found out from Jeff. But it still hurt. I just wished Susannah trusted me enough to tell me the truth right away.

But on the other hand I had no idea what she went through. To be violated by a man that way…it was unimaginable. For him to take her precious gift away from her, without her permission, a gift that I had been trying my hardest to protect...

My selfish side was furious that he took my one love's virginity. I did not blame Susannah one bit. It was all _him._ He took something that he can never get back. Susannah had been asking for me to do it for the longest and I resisted. And Jeff heard me resist. Could this have been prevented if I had just given in to Susannah's wishes? Her first time could have been with somebody who loved her, somebody who cares, it could have been with me. None of this would have happened if I weren't so stubborn.

I glanced at my watch. It had been two hours since I left Susannah's house, my thoughts and confusion keeping me from there. I realized that I needed to be with her. I didn't even take enough time to see if she was really okay. I cursed and ran to my car.

SUZE'S POV

I was still sniffling a little as I did my homework. I sighed and decided to get up and go to wash my face in the bathroom, hoping that would help with my currently puffy eyes. Before I could even reach the door, Jesse was bursting through it. I looked at him, looking all out of breath like he had just sprinted up the stairs to my room. He took in my appearance as I cursed my puffy eyes.

He closed the space between us with one small step and ran a hand across my face. I relaxed at his touch so he cupped my face and kissed me. His hands traveled from my face to my waist as he hugged me to his chest, seeming relieved that I was close to him. When we finally parted he spoke.

"So that was okay?" he asked, looking uncomfortable.

"Of course," I said quietly.

"Susannah I think we should talk," he looked sad. I wondered what he would say.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Next update will be longer! But pleaseeeeee REVIEW! Thanks! Mucho Love-o...! :)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

"Susannah…I…I don't know quite what to say, how to begin," Jesse said, seating us down on the window seat.

"Say what?" I whispered.

"Well, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to you Susannah, and for my behavior earlier," Jesse said, shaking his head in disgust at the memory.

"Jesse, really, it's fine," I tried to make him feel better.

"No it's not Susannah. You were in pain and I just left you there," Jesse looked ashamed.

"But you came back," I pointed out.

"Forget about me for a minute, querida," Jesse changed the subject, "How badly did he hurt you? I need you to tell me. The whole truth."

I looked in Jesse's eyes and saw determination. Clearly there was no getting around the question or downplaying it as I did the last time he asked me.

"The day after was the worst," I admitted. "When you came to say goodbye that morning, I felt so terrible and guilty I could barely even look at you," I was looking down at my hands.

"Querida…" Jesse said.

"It's true, I was feeling worthless. But you didn't know what was wrong, you just wanted to say goodbye and I snapped at you," I glanced at Jesse.

He was listening. He nodded to signal for me to continue. I sighed and began to speak again.

"I was so jumpy and anxious that week. I felt trapped, and I almost worried that Jeff would come back. But all I really wanted was you, Jesse. I wanted to tell you. I did, but I didn't know how…" I trailed off, "And later I had to ask Paul for help on a mediation, and we met Jeff's cousin. He actually mentioned Jeff and apparently, I wasn't his first victim. One of his victims actually murdered him," I rambled on.

I looked into Jesse's eyes and he seemed to be processing everything I was telling him. I was tired of doing all the talking at this point though.

"But as of right now," I picked up Jesse's hand, "I'm feeling better."

Jesse brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly. We sat quietly for a while, both taking in what had been said.

"Just—why didn't you tell me?" Jesse asked calmly.

"I don't know…well there were a couple of reasons," I decided to try to explain my reasoning.

"I'd really like to know," Jesse said simply.

"Okay well first I didn't know how to go about in telling you. I was scared of your reaction. I didn't want to upset you, or cause you to do something rash," I said.

"Is that all?" he asked, looking me in the eye.

"I was a little worried of what you would think of me, if it would change things between us," I said so quickly I wasn't sure if Jesse understood.

"Querida, if you had come to me right away the only people I would have been mad at would be myself and that Jeff character," he said to me.

"My point exactly. None of this is your fault Jesse," I told him sternly.

"I'm the reason Jeff met you…" he trailed off.

"I don't blame you, so I see no reason for you to blame yourself," I continued.

"What if we had stayed at my hotel a little longer? Hm? This whole thing could have been avoided," Jesse eyes widened as he said it. I could tell that he didn't mean to say that out loud.

"Jesse, if I had stayed at your hotel, and we had done what I wanted us to do so badly…I still think Jeff would have showed up and done what he did to me. But it would have been ten times worse because my first time with you would be overshadowed by a rape," I was beginning to lose composure again.

"I'm sorry, I just wish you didn't have to go through this, querida," he said solemnly.

"Me too," I agreed.

Jesse got up again and began to pace in front of me. He ran his hands through his hair; I could tell he was thinking—remembering something.

"That morning after your birthday, when I came to say goodbye, you were resisting me—and I just wanted to know if you need to set some boundaries as you recover, that I will go along with whatever you decide," he said finally.

"Boundaries?" I was confused.

"We learned about rape victims at school," Jesse cringed as he said the word rape, "In most cases the victim is uncomfortable with the human touch after the incident."

"But you grabbed me and kissed me earlier," I pointed out.

"I know, and I am so sorry Susannah. I shouldn't have done that, it's just I was feeling rather confused at that moment and seeing you set me straight and—

"No, I'm not upset about it. I wasn't accusing you; I'm just trying to prove a point. I may not be the most emotionally stable person right now, I don't want things to change between us," I interrupted him.

"Susannah I do not want you to rush your recovery for my benefit," Jesse crossed his arms over his chest.

"It isn't," I grabbed his hand again.

I stood up next to him. I raised our interlocked hands as evidence.

"I'm not going to lie, this has affected me. I haven't been the same as I normally am, and I'm working to get better. But Jeff is gone now so I don't have to worry. And Jesse, I trust you. I know you would never do anything to hurt me, when you kiss me I don't think about the man who forced me to kiss him. Sure I have been acting like a crazed person when I go out in public lately, but when you're around I'm fine. I love you, I trust you, so no boundaries," I spoke very clearly so Jesse would understand.

Jesse stared at me then, as if trying to figure out how to react to my mini speech. I guess he figured that kissing me was the best way to respond, not that I was complaining. The feel of his tan muscular arms around me didn't frighten me, it comforted me. His lips kissing my lips, my face, my neck didn't send me screaming.

I was worried too that I would be scared to be with Jesse after the incident, but what I told him was true. I trusted him, and the only reason I didn't tell him about what happened immediately was that I was messed up. I was happy that Jesse being here helped me come to the realization, and I kissed him a little harder. We finally parted, both of us panting.

"There is one little thing I do need to tell you," I said when my breathing slowed.

"What is it?" Jesse asked.

"You don't need to worry about the whole sex thing anymore," I said.

Jesse raised his eyebrows.

"Now I think it is a good idea to wait. Until I'm married or something," I said.

This was humiliating. After all of this time of trying to get Jesse to sleep with me I was telling him that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. It wasn't that I didn't _want_ Jesse; it was that I didn't want sex…at least not for a while. I liked to think of myself as a virgin still, putting the shower incident behind me, trying to move forward with my life. It was just awkward saying all of this to my boyfriend.

"I hate that this is how I have to get my way," Jesse admitted.

It was all very bittersweet to him probably. I finally agreed with him, but at what expense?

"I still want to marry you, querida," he said, reading my next thought.

"So it doesn't bother you that I'm not a virgin anymore?" I asked him.

"Of course it bothers me," he began and my face fell, "Not like that!" he said quickly at the sight of my sad eyes.

"It bothers me that it was stolen from you. If you weren't a virgin before we became a couple, but it was by choice, I wouldn't care. Susannah it's you that I want to be with, not your virginity," he concluded.

I laughed at this. Jesse smiled at me, happy to be making me feel better. I knew it might seem petty or the worst time, but I felt the open forum atmosphere would be the perfect time to bring up something else.

"Is there any part of you that is mad at Jeff for um taking me?" I asked nervously.

I seemed to have lost all of my sex related confidence. In the past when having these somewhat awkward conversations I found it useful to face the situation head on with a ton of confidence in my voice, even when Jesse wouldn't agree with me. But of course, things had changed. It didn't look like Jesse minded though.

"Yes, a little bit. It's selfish I know, but I love you so much Susannah, and part of me is furious that another man touched you. Took what I have been struggling to resist for as long as we've been dating. Just the thought of any other man with you makes me sick. I know its selfish for me to think this way, you're the one who had to experience it," Jesse said, looking ashamed again.

I on the other hand was shocked. I knew Jesse wanted me on some level, but "struggling to resist"? I had no idea. He made it seem so easy. And hearing this part of Jesse's thoughts didn't make me upset with him, because I knew that if roles were reversed that I would feel that way too. Jesse began to look panicked at my silence.

"You really struggle to resist me?" I asked him, still in shock.

"Yes of course Susannah!" he exclaimed, and then glanced at me carefully as if evaluating if I was emotionally ready for what he was about to say. "That's part of the problem, I want you so badly sometimes I get carried away and I fear that I would be the one taking advantage of you. Especially now I do not want to force myself on you in any way," he said carefully.

I zoned out, suddenly a stream of memories from that terrible night, my own birthday hit me. Remembering Jeff grabbing me roughly and holding me down to prevent me from kicking and hitting him. His cold lips pressed forcefully against mine.

"Querida?" Jesse asked concern laced his voice as he broke me from my thoughts.

"Jesse, I know what forced feels like. And you have nothing to worry about," I said very seriously.

I didn't know quite what to say after I said that. I couldn't help but cry. Even when everything seemed to be looking up with Jesse, out of nowhere I thought of Jeff. Jesse knew what to do right away, guiding us to my bed and just holding me in his arms as I cried.

It had been a long day. I was never much of a crier, I'd like to think of myself as tough, but it seemed as though everything was finally catching up with me. Tears were just rolling out of my eyes with no sign of stopping. I was soaking Jesse's shirt but he didn't seem to mind. He was quiet as he held me. Just sometimes he would brush my hair back or kiss the side of my head. It was rather comforting.

When I finally stopped crying Jesse brushed away my tears and spoke.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he looked guilty.

"You didn't, well a little but I'm alright now," I assured him.

"There's actually something different I wanted to talk to you about," Jesse was changing the subject.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I think I might be transferring schools," Jesse told me.

"Oh really?" I said, "Do you know where to?"

"Yes, Northwestern University," Jesse said, waiting for my reaction.

"That's in Chicago, isn't it?" I asked him.

"Actually I believe it's in the suburbs of Chicago," Jesse corrected me.

"Isn't that school really expensive?" I couldn't help but ask.

"They've offered to cover about 85% of the cost, but Illinois is rather far," Jesse said.

"Do you like the school?" I asked him.

"Yes, I was actually thinking of visiting this weekend, and I'd like for you to come with me," Jesse said finally.

"As in go with you to Chicago?" I raised an eyebrow.

"If you're not feeling up to it, I completely understand. But I've saved up enough money from my job at school and the one outside school to afford it," Jesse looked at me sheepishly. Clearly he'd planned this out.

"Of course I want to go. It might be nice to get away for a weekend, but I'll have to ask my mom," I told him.

"Speaking of your mom, maybe I should get going," Jesse looked worried at the prospect of being found in my bed together.

"No, not yet, please," I clung to him.

"Okay, Okay, I'll stay," Jesse looked relieved that he didn't have to leave.

So I curled up next to him and relaxed. His arms were still around me and I fell asleep. I guess it was all of the crying that I had done that made me so sleepy. Before asleep I looked into Jesse's dark brown eyes, staring down at me, and I was so grateful to have him with me, and I knew that we would be all right.

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**Author's Note: **Oops. I thought I had posted chapter nine ages ago...my bad! Well here's chapter ten too! Tell me what you think.

Yay? Nay? Meh? REVIEW :)


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